Addiction
by obsessivexcompulsive
Summary: JessRory. A story that ive written and rewritten x100. One Shot. PLEASE RnR! It's pretty depressing btw...sorry about that :D


A tall man walked towards me, he fidgeted with the collar of his shirt as he sat in the chair opposite me.

"Hello Miss Gilmore, I am Dr. Balis, Jess' Doctor"

I didn't say anything, I just sat there, staring at him. I eventually managed a nervous nod of the head to let him know I was listening.

"I have some good news…and some bad news." He started.

I fingered the sleve of my cardigan nervously not wanting to hear what he had to say. Thoughts were running through my head – and none of them were particularly good thoughts either. I nodded my head again indicating for him to continue.

"Okay, so I understand you are aware of your husband's condition?" I nodded "Okay, unfortunately Miss, the cancer has spread rapidly." He paused "Jess is very sick"

He stopped again, seeing that I had I hard time taking in all this new information. My hands were sweating as I gripped the sides of the chair tighter.

Tears burned the corner of my eyes "What are you saying?" I managed to force out. "Are you telling me that he is going to die?" I said raising my voice.

Dr Balsi gave me a look, one of those looks that didn't need any words to give an answer, the look of sympathy in his eyes told me everything.

I didn't know what to do, i didn't know where to look. I felt sick, i needed to get out, but i couldn't leave could I? That would be terrible. However right now it seemed like the only thing that i could think of to keep me from doing something drastic. I don't know where it all went wrong, i don't know what i had done to deserve this pain, it wasn't fair. On anybody.

I began to get angry with myself, it was all my fault. It was my fault for being so stupid. It was my fault for being so cowardly, if only I would have had the courage to tell him to stop. Smoking. That's what has done this. Those stupid ridiculous little white sticks that you stick in you mouth. He puffed on them all day every day, well he tried not to, he had an idea that i hated it. And now look. UGH if i would have only told him how i felt, i was always the one complaining to him for nver sharing his feelings, well that soon cam back to bite me in the ass didn't it. I knew he was always the 'rebelious' type, he always liked to be the different one, not the type to follow the crowd. Ever since i met him, he hasnt changed at all. That's why i liked him, that was his biggest, yet best flaw. It got him in to trouble, but I admired his confidence and his determination. He knew what he wanted and he went out to get it. Thats why i fell in love with him. You would have thought I could have at least picked up a bit of that determination and motivation in the years that I have been with him wouldn't you? I hat myself for finding it so difficult to stand up to him properly for once.

He was never a heavy smoker, but lets face it, Jess never really had the best luck did he? He hadn't recieved very good reviews from his latest book, it really hit him hard, his first two books had been so successful but after the third one came out nobody liked it, the sales were very low, the reviews were terrible. The publishers threatened to drop him. It was too much work for him to be doing, they put him under too much pressure, they didnt give him enought time at all. He told me he didn't want to say anything or ask for an extension incase he got fired. I told him to stop being such a wimp. I told him to 'grow a pair and just do it' we were both pretty shocked by that comment but i just felt like i needed to say something to help give him a boost of confidence or something, help to get the old rebelious Jess back.

But of course, he didn't take my advice, and his book wasn't his best work. He was devestated, he started smoking more, drinking more, he was never home. It almost wrecked our marriage. But after 6 months or so he got back on track, we had a heart to heart and he told me he was unhappy and he was missing me. He told me he was going to change. We decided that we were going to start being more serious about life but still enjoy it while we can, he realised that he can't sit around and sulk forever. We decided taht night that it was the right time to start trying for a baby, so we could start a family be a real family, have a child to love, who would love us back. Be a three, which neither of us had really experienced to the full extent.

But now, here we are, at the hospital.

I am so annoyed with myself if only I wasn't such a wimp. I would have told him to stop. But I couldn't, I was just afraid of loosing him, just like he was afraid of loosing his job. I was afraid he would become defensive, afraid he would have been hurt, Jess is Jess, he's quite unpredictable and to be honest i just didnt want to take the risk..

"How long….how long does he have?" I heard myself ask.

"I say at _least _three months - if not more." He added the last part on quickly.

"Wait. Was that the good news?" I asked him. "Are you kidding me?" I shouted. "Are you seriously telling me that the good news is that I have just three months - oh sorry...if not _more _to watch my husband DIE?"

Dr Balis, shocked by my outburst and ushered me out of the hallway into his office.

"Please! Miss. Gilmore, sit down!" The doctor told me sternly.

"No! You can't tell me what to do! You have no idea what I'm going through."

"As a matter of fact I do!" He stood to face me, I had obviously touched a nerve. "...I do. I have been in this exact situation as a matter of fact, you, in the hospital, here...this, is me 5 years ago, I lost my wife the exact same way you will. And I know, for a fact that if you take your husband home, and make the most of these three months, it will be the best decision you have ever made in your life. You get to spend every single moment with him, you will be able to do things before it's too late, go places you have always wanted to go, do things you have always wnated to do. I wish i was given, even another day with my wife, i would give anything just to see her face, to hear her laugh, to watch her sleep. Please Miss Gilmore think carefully about the situation you are in and please make the right choices." He looked at me sadly and walked away leaving me to face reality.

At least he was right about one thing, the time we spent together was the best. But it was a shame he wasn't right about the part that mattered most.

**I remember that day so well. Dr Balis was the best doctor any could wish for. He was right…the time we spent together was defiantly worth it. I had never been happier believe it or not. However i have learnt that life isn't fair and some things just don't quite go the way you expect...or want.**

"You lied! You lied to me! You told me he had three months – or MORE! Yet three WEEKS later I'm back at the hospital." I screamed at him in his office, tears pouring down my face i felt like i had been betrayed, the man infront of me was a liar a horrible disgusting filthy liar who i could hardly bare to look at.

"Miss. Miss I'm sorry. It was unexpected. He was…is…so ill. His immune system wont respond to any of the medice we give him. I, I don't know what to say, I am afraid there is nothing more we can do. "

I stared at him hard, square in the face i could feel my body burning with hatred and rage. I was seething i hated the man infront of me for lying to me, i hated the nurses for not helping to fix him, i hated the world for not buying his book, i hated the publishers for pushing him, putitng him under so mich pressure. But most of all, i hated myself. I looked at him and could feel my face soften slightly as i realized that it wasn't his fault, he did all he possibly could, he was the best doctor i could have hoped for.

I sat down with my head in my hands, tears streaming down my face, the hot fresh tears burning the corner of my eyes.

"What do I do? What's going to happen?" I sobbed.

Doctor Balis sighed with sympathy "I know this is the last thing you want to hear, but the best thing you can do now is say goodbye."

I couldn't move. Had he really just said that? He couldn't have...could he? I was annoyed at him, at the way he said it, at the way the words just floated out of his mouth, but i remembered what he had told me about his wife and i could not think of a response or a better idea. And as awful as it did sound, it was the only thing i could do. I couldn't fix him now, it's too late, he is broken beyond repair.

I stood in front of his hospital room door knowing that this was probably the last time I would ever see him again. That hurt me so much knowing that he would soon be gone. It didn't feel real, it wasn't real, i was just waiting to wake up from this nightmare but as i was waiting i found myself turning the handle on the door and walking into the white room. The room was small only the light from the lamp on her side table dimly lit the room. There was just enough to see his face.

I walked closer to him, the reality of everything starting to sink in. Was this really it? Was this really the end of his life?. _Our _life. I pulled up the chair next to his bed and sat in it. I carefully pushed the hair out of his face and took his hands in between both of mine.

"You don't deserve to be here. You really don't. You have put up with way too much shit in life to end up like this. I am so sorry i wasn't brave enough. I am sorry if i ever hurt you from anything i did or anything that i said." Ironically it was what i didn't do and what i didn't say that resulted in this. "If I could change anything, I would stop you smoking. Even if it did mean you leaving me, it would be better than this. Anything would be better than this. I am so sorry. I Love You."

I looked up at his face; he looked so pale and weak. Knowing that I could do nothing to make him feel better absolutely killed me. Just then, I saw his eyelid flicker open. I kept looking at his face waiting for any sign of movement. But nothing happened, it was just my imagination. Another sign of false hope.

I didn't know how long I had sat there with him, but it must have been a good few hours. I decided that if I didn't let him go now, I never would. So I gathered all the strength I could find in me and I leaned over her and kissed him with every emotion I had left. The tears rolled off my cheeks on to his.

Just as I was about to pull back my worst nightmare came true as I heard her life support beep. I pulled back to see the monitor flat line. Nurses and doctors ran into the room pushing me towards the foor, all their loud talking and commotion just seemed to...fade away...i was in a bubble, a bubble of my own. I turned towards the door and walked away, my face emotionless and expressionless, the only sound that could be hear was the steady beep of his heart monitor, without looking back i walked straight for the exit.

Just as i was out the door a nurse stopped me and said something to me, not that i was listening however the sympathetic look on her face told me a lot. I felt something being pushed into my hands and i looked down to see the bag that held all of his belongings.

I walked out of the door and stood in the rain. It was dark and wet and i didn't know what to do, i stood for a while and eventually picked up the bag that i had thrown by my feet, i searched through the bag frantically, desperatley trying to find what i was looking for. I stopped. I found it.

I took one out of the packet, placed it in my mouth. And i lit it.

**He was once my addiction but now that he is gone – I will take his. **

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A/N - hey, this was a story i wrote a while ago, but i just adapted and improved it i think that being 16 automatically improves my writing skills, but i dont know haha you tell me! ...tell me what you think...i hope its not too sad, but i hope its not rubbish either. PLEASE let me know what you think i would really appriciate it. I also hope that this story makes smokers think twice. I personally have not lost anyone to cancer, or anything else for that matter, and i consider myself very fortunate. Writing this story made me think what it would be like to loose someone close to me and...well my thoughts are with anyone who has lost anyone close to them at any stage in their life x x millie x x


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